August 28, 2023
Greetings from the call center,
Customer Service: We appreciate you contacting us. I would be happy to assist you with your inquiry.
Client: Recently I have had issues with one of your products, a 1957 model. I will say that for the most part, I have been very happy with my experience.
Customer Service: Thank you for your kind words. It is always gratifying to hear from a satisfied customer.
Client: However. Just recently I’ve noticed that some of the parts are beginning to show wear, and, on the whole, not delivering the same performance that was originally promised and that I was pleased to experience previously.
Customer Service: Thank you for your feedback. How can I help?
Client: I realize given the age of the product that a replacement is not appropriate. However, I’m inquiring if there is some sort of warranty that was included when it was originally manufactured. I will confess I do not have any original paperwork.
Customer Service: We are quite proud of the 1957 series. Is there something specific I can address?
Client: There are a few things; random, non-recurring glitches, a few gaps in the operating system, some hesitation in execution.
Customer Service: Thank you. I can do a remote evaluation, if you agree, and provide you with some feedback.
Client: Thank you.
(… … …)
Customer Service: After running our diagnostics, I have found a few topics that may be contributing to your performance issues. However, these appear to all be maintenance items.
Client: That hardly seems likely. I am very conscientious about the care of the product.
Customer Service: Have you been following the scheduled annual maintenance?
Client: Not strictly. I meant to, but I have been so busy. Seriously, it’s been a madhouse.
Customer Service: Those appointments will often reveal important issues. And have you been adhering to the original input recommendations?
Client: Meaning?
Customer Service: Are you eating what you need to support your physical activity?
Client: I like to think so. Most of the time. Maybe. Again, so dang busy. I’ve been wanting to do Wordle, and then there’s the whole WWE upset, and now Meghan is back on Instagram.
Customer Service: This is critical in the performance of the product. Are you balancing the main food groups?
Client: Pizza, nachos, and beer?
Customer Service: Perhaps there is an adult that we could communicate with?
Client: What? That’s not fair. Fart face.
Customer Service: Perhaps we could focus just on the performance issues.
Client: It’s just that I ran this ten-mile race on Saturday and I wasn’t as fast as I expected. It’s really frustrating. I have no idea what I could be doing differently.
Customer Service: Please answer the following questions—Are you eating the appropriate balance of protein and carbohydrates? Are you monitoring your fluid intake and replacing lost sodium and magnesium? Are you following a training regimen for your goal distance?
Client. No.
Customer Service: No to which question?
Client: Just, no.
Customer Service: Are you stretching?
Client: Is there someone else I can talk to?
Customer Service: Based on this evaluation, it appears that the challenges outlined are primarily self-originated.
Client: All that aside, is there some warranty on this product?
Customer Service: The warranty does not specifically cover these topics, plus it seems that you have not operated within the suggested care requirements.
Client: So this is MY fault?
Customer Service: That is an accurate assessment. My compliments on your astuteness.
Client: Isn’t there some update, or a new accessory I could buy? Would new shoes help?
Customer Service: Have you tried doing a factory restart?
Client: That seems a little extreme. Plus I would really need to examine my belief structure and I am a little overwhelmed with everything going on. Wildfires, flooding, bitcoin, that whole thing with the Barbie movie.
Customer Service: Understood. Perhaps doing a reboot would be appropriate.
Client: You mean a nap?
Customer Service: Yes. Many of our clients have found this to be helpful.
Client: I suppose it’s worth a try.
Customer Service: Is there anything else I can help you with?
Client: (… …)
Customer Service: Are you there?
Client: (… …)
Customer Service: You’re napping right now, aren’t you?
Client: (… …)
Hope this finds you finding your potential,
David
Copyright © 2023 David Smith
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