October 12, 2020
Greetings from the game changer,
Recently the dinner conversation across this country has shifted from the latest scandal in Canadian politics to a matter of more significant import. Intelligent readers already know what I am referring to: baby carrot shortages.
Long lines have formed in grocery stores and farmer’s markets, as well as the emergence of black-market sources for the tiny taproot. In order to add some semblance of legitimacy to this potentially concocted story, let me remind you that the baby carrot was invented by Mike Yurosek, a brilliant carrot farmer from California. Up to now, the words ‘brilliant’ and ‘carrot farmer’ have never been used in the same sentence. I fact-checked this.
Yurosek is responsible for taking ordinary carrots and carving them into attractive bite size shapes and repackaging them from the gnarly, hairy things we used to think of as witch’s noses to the cute little dippable snacks we all enjoy today.
This innovation changed the world. Well, the U.S. world. Per capita consumption of carrots in the most important nation went from 6.5 pounds per person each year, to 14.1 pounds per person per year. I know, right now you are trying to remember the last time you ate ANY carrot, how the heck is the average person eating fourteen pounds a year?
Doesn’t matter, because those numbers were reported by the Washington Post which we are told by other objective media outlets cannot be trusted to tell the truth. So, the number could be higher or lower, or it’s possible that there is no such thing as baby carrots at all. However, for the purpose of argument, let’s say there are, and if you are average, which it has been reported as accurate, you are somehow eating six tenths of an ounce of them each day. Fourteen pounds a year.
For those of you trying to conceptualize, fourteen pounds of carrots is equal in weight to approximately two gallons of milk, eleven boxes of Grape Nuts, or fourteen pounds of potatoes.
It is also worth noting that fourteen pounds is what the British refer to as a ‘stone’. This may, or may not, be connected to the thinking that carrot consumption is somehow being controlled by foreign interests. It’s too much of a coincidence to ignore.
And now, in a time of crisis, there is a national shortage of baby carrots. Retailers have been forced to limit the purchases of baby carrots to one package per customer, leading to reports, by reliable media sources, of violence in produce aisles across the country. In a completely fabricated story by the New York Post, two patrons of Mancini’s Market in the Bronx had to be restrained from clubbing each other with zucchinis while battling for the last package of baby carrots. This has led to a political movement to require licenses for zucchinis, available after a three-day cooling off period. Evidently, the shortage has led to some baby carrot hoarding. A man in Wausau, Wisconsin was discovered to have a ten-year supply (140.10 lbs) in his garage. For those of you trying to conceptualize, an elephant weighs about 14,000 pounds.
There are a few citizens who have suggested that the carrot shortage has been fabricated by the government as a ‘trial run’ to see if society will tolerate a ‘carrot free’ economy. This theory is part of a New World Order plan wherein the citizenry would be controlled by the government, forced to report each purchase of baby carrots, and thereby giving up their God given right to freedom. Militia organizations in Michigan are said to be planting enormous rows of carrots in secret gardens which can be seen from satellite photos I just imagined I could see on my iPhone.
But, the real reason for the shortage is far more critical. As you know from reliable news sources, baby carrots have been reported to be a cure for Covid 19. A quick check on YouTube confirms this is absolutely true. Literally, almost several people have posted shaky videos of themselves eating baby carrots and not getting Covid. The CDC has no official position on whether or not baby carrots will prevent Covid 19 but as some reliable media sources quoted on a blog page have pointed out, the CDC is funded by PBS and cannot be trusted.
None of the four US presidential candidates have addressed this issue, although there has been some speculation that one them, who appears to be more orange than his competitors, may be eating large quantities of baby carrots to offset a recent ‘supposed’ Covid incident. The mainstream press has not reported on this, except in Canada, where everyone knows they have socialist health care.
As Americans we must take a stand for our baby carrot rights, by which I mean put yard signs on our lawn. The founding fathers and their slaves fought the Indians and their slaves to make this country free so we could enjoy the fruits, and vegetables, of our nation’s bounty. It is possible that it is even included in an amendment to the Constitution, which I will misquote in another essay.
Baby carrots may have no medicinal value other than the vitamin C and beta-carotene, but until it’s been proven they don’t prevent dangerous viruses, something must be done so that Americans can hoard them like toilet paper. Contact your congressperson today, and if you don’t know who that is, write a vitriolic post on Facebook. Together we can change things for the better.
Hope this finds you crunching,
David
Copyright © 2020 David Smith
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