Sept 23, 2024
Greetings from the curb,
I have a toilet in my front yard.
The longer the toilet stays there, from what I am told, the more likely my neighbors will think we are the kind of people who have a toilet in their front yard.
The yard is exquisitely landscaped, even in this transition season, filled with grasses and flowers and artful trees and gracefully shaped islands and berms. There are subtle lights that outline the trees at night, a few thoughtful stone things tucked in the shrubbery. A great deal of thought and care and talent goes into this beauty, none of which is provided by me. The impression is a blend of nature and people living in harmony.
And there is a toilet.
To be clear, this toilet is not being actively used, it is one of many toilets that were inside the house which have not graduated to outside the house. Some people, I am told, have cats like this. Someone once said that once you have three cats, it’s hard to stop. We have four toilets, and are trying to get off that merry-go-round before it’s too late.
I know it’s probably obvious, but we changed one of the many toilets we already have inside the house and so we had an extra one. I suggested we put it in the living room but it turns out it clashes with the carpet. And so, at just the right time, I put it in the yard.
We have all driven by homes that have toilets in the yard, perhaps with flowers growing out of the bowl, or some other tasteful addition. With no offense to those so inclined, allow me to say unequivocally that we will not be decorating this toilet. Well, not much anyway. We are not, in spite of appearances, the kind of people who have toilets in our front yard.
Many years ago I volunteered to do some work on the Pine Ridge Indian reservation in South Dakota. There’s a lot to the story but I remember one day we were driving to build something and went by mobile homes. There was a variety of things decaying in the yards. Cars, bikes, even toilets. I asked the person driving us why the people there didn’t clean up their yards.
The man sighed, but patiently said: “This is their wealth.” At first, I thought he was being philosophical, but it was a literal definition, a practical thing. The people who lived in the houses kept these things in the yard and sometimes sold them, or parts of them, when they needed cash.
The Oglala Sioux had become the kind of people with toilets in their front yards. The longer they kept these valuable things, the less valuable they became, as time and nature eroded their appeal. At some point, the cars and the bikes and toilets cracked and rusted in the brutal winters and merciless summers. Their 401k became a toilet in their front yard.
I was once in Turkey and visited the excavated city of Ephesus. It is an amazing place, filled with the remnants of living from three thousand years ago. Among all of the fascinating architectural details that had been uncovered were the public toilets. Our guide told us that these rows of toilet seats were once housed in a regal building of marble and stone and that in those days they actually had musicians playing there, for various reasons. Now the buildings are gone, but the toilets remain. Ephesians, in a way, have become the kind of people with toilets in their front yards.
Timing, as comedians are wont to say, is everything.
I dragged our toilet to the curb yesterday, just the right time, because today is trash day, a coincidental detail because the trash people won’t take the toilet. Before then, ordinarily, there will be pickers who drive down our street looking for valuable things to take away and use or sell. In theory, our toilet will continue its useful life for another generation or so, just in someone else’s bathroom. Pay toilet it forward.
As of now, that has not happened, it’s not an exact science. So in each moment that passes, we become closer and closer to following the example of thousands of years, one that is common all over the world. It’s possible that, as in cultures everywhere, for all of history, we will become the kind of people with a toilet in their front yard.
We are all those people.
Hope this finds you keeping up with the Joneses,
David
Copyright © 2024 David Smith
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