March 11, 2024
Greetings from my sleepy smile,
This week I discovered what could be one of the most unifying issues in our nation, one that perhaps can bridge the rancorous divide that fractures much of our country.
Perhaps you are thinking I was inspired by the Oscars, or the State of the Union Speech, but no.
If I had to guess, and I do, because I couldn’t stay up late enough for those events, I’d say there was not much there that would cause most of us to rally together. Unless ‘Barbie’ won Best Picture. (I’m not going to check, I want to be surprised later when President Biden announces it)
I woke up yesterday at a different time than my body expected. That’s a misleading sentence, because legally speaking the time was the same, but according to most other clues, the time was off by an hour.
As you know, or will in a moment, we are required by law to change our clocks by an hour twice a year. Yesterday we advanced the clock sixty minutes, one of the worst practical jokes in history, or at least since last fall when we rolled the clock back an hour. These seemingly random disruptions in our sleep, and whatever occurs in the hours between sleeping, are supposed to be for our benefit. Remember that saying “This will hurt you more than it hurts me?” Did anyone in the history of humanity believe that?
Daylight Savings Time was originally implemented by the government so we would do our taxes before April 15 because we would be so fuzzy and disoriented, we would go along with anything. I am guessing here.
It’s no surprise that this time change messes with our sleep, but thankfully there are a number of methods to counter this. My wife told me about the most effective practice, which, if applied correctly, will get you back to normal within a month. I also want to share here, that this same method will cure the common cold. And Covid.
Then my wife told me that waking up at this new awkward time can interfere with the cicada’s rhythm. We don’t usually discuss the musical propensities of insects, so I was not prepared with a response, which has been true since we exchanged wedding vows. But if there was ever a reason to repeal this ridiculous policy, it should be to protect the cicada, which is our national bug, and an endangered species. Again, guessing here.
I don’t suggest doing this, but I went to Google and inquired what the most asked question on Google was so far this year. The answer was: “What time is it?” To borrow from Dave Berry, I’m not making this up. Literally millions of people are waking up, and not knowing what time it is. They also don’t know how many weeks there are in a year, what to watch on Netflix or when Father’s day is. The question “What is a cicada?” didn’t make the top thousand.
My point is, and I’m pausing here to recall, that this country is so sleepy it can’t function well enough to look at a clock, which, by the way, may be wrong. Or blinking.
I’m stating the obvious so that I can slowly work up to what was on my mind, which is not operating at its full potential due to sleep deprivation. Ok, that’s not entirely true, just turning on this computer this morning was WAY past my capacity.
Many Americans struggle with the time change. It might be the most common complaint facing our nation. There have been polls on DST for generations, and almost religiously the response from Americans has been that 65% of us don’t like it, and we want it changed. This is it, my somnolent friends. This is the unifying movement, the thing that brings us together even more than hating our enemies. The love of sleep.
As every mattress marketer knows, humans spend one-third of their life asleep. (Slightly more factoring in the State of the Union Address.) Sleep is one of our most precious priorities, and it is under assault, not from our southern border or by chemtrails or confusing bathroom signs. Our sleep is being taxed by our government, and the founding fathers are spinning in their graves. Even their sleep, their eternal sleep, is being disturbed. (Pause here to wipe a dramatic tear from my eye.)
It’s time we come together under this common purpose and clasp hands, reach across the many things that can divide us, and unite under the one thing that means so much to so many of us. I suggest we form a political party and with the force of the majority of Americans we move to change our country for the better. We will call it the Slumber Party.
Hope this finds you awakish,
David
Copyright © 2024 David Smith
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